Raito, on Ryuuzaki
by conspiredfate
Summary: Raito's thoughts on the quirky detective. Drabble collection. [RaitoL] [Yaoi] Note: I'm switching chapters around, sorry for any confusion. [New Chapters Up!] [71. Obsession & 54. Tower]
1. On Doubt

On Doubts.

There was no blood or violence when Ryuuzaki died. It was altogether such a simple matter that happened so quickly, almost _effortlessly _on Raito's part, that he sometimes wondered if Ryuuzaki was about to pop out of the ground, and Raito would awake to find the detective sitting in that strange way of his in Raito's kitchen, drinking a cup of too-sweet coffee.

When he wasn't thinking of how to thwart his new nemesis, L's _successor_ (or so the white-haired boy called himself), Raito wondered what Ryuuzaki would say to him, if he should return and decide to pay his killer a visit.

"_Hello, Kira."_ Or maybe something like, _"Do you happen to have any more sugar, Raito-kun?"_

Raito frowned when he felt he'd like the latter better, and quickly turned his mind to other, more _pressing_ thoughts. Tch. What did Kira, the God of the new world care for a long dead detective?

Dead…

To that day he didn't like the subject of Ryuuzaki's death; it didn't unnerve him or cast a shadow of regret upon him, but it made him feel something akin to confusion. If there was one thing Raito hated, it was doubting himself. What good was there in second and third-guessing? All it did was run you around in a circle forever. It was pointless, and pointless things didn't deserve a place in the mind of a genius like Yagami Raito.

But on quiet days, Raito wondered if he _hadn't_ killed Ryuuzaki if things could have been different.

_Of course they would be different, _his reason countered. _You'd be on death row._

And that rebellious part of Raito wondered if it would have been worth it- to lose everything Kira had built up, if only to see Ryuuzaki again. Foolish, and completely out of the question, he knew, but that feeling was there. Now _that_ was unnerving.

On nights when that rebellious little voice inside his head was particularly strong, Raito dreamt of Ryuuzaki.

Sometimes they would do nothing more than stare across nothingness at each other. Sometimes they would talk; about trivial things- Raito never remembered what.

Other times he would dream up an old memory, and though his conscious self would never admit it, they were frequently those from the time he spent handcuffed to the detective.

And _other _times, Raito would wake up sweating, fervently hoping he _hadn't _just dreamed what he thought he had.

Misa would always ask him if something was wrong, and he'd always give her the same curt response;

"I'm fine. There's nothing wrong at all."

How very untrue that was. Everything _about_ those dreams was wrong. The fact that he was _having _them, not to mention what he was (Raito shuddered) _doing_ in them…

And the fact that in the end, Ryuuzaki would always whisper: _"I'm your biggest regret, aren't I, Raito-kun?"_ before the dream faded away and Raito awoke.

Tch. Regrets.

Kira didn't have any regrets.

(But maybe Raito did…?)


	2. Dreams, expanded

Dreams, expanded.

_The rainfall was hardly more than a gentle pitter-patter on the roof, but it still kept Raito awake. Sighing to himself, he rolled out of bed gracefully, taking care not to wake the over-emotional creature that was Misa. He slipped into a pair of slippers and silently shuffled into his kitchen, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He had to do a double take at what he saw. Taking in the sight with shock widening his golden eyes, Raito felt a tremor through his heart._

"_Oh, good morning Raito-kun. You wouldn't happen to have anymore sugar, would you?" _

_There, somehow maintaining his strange seating position on the barstool was Ryuuzaki, long white fingers barely touching the spoon that swirled around in his coffee cup._

"_R-Ryuuzaki?!"_

"_It's nice to see you too, Raito-kun."_

"_Why-how-what?"_

"_You're usually more articulate, Raito-kun. I take it you are not a morning person?"_

_Raito cleared his throat._

"_Why are you here?"_

"_Don't you know? Dreams often portray your innermost feelings and desires."_

"_Where are you going with this?"_

"_I'm your biggest regret, Raito." Ryuuzaki whispers, and then everything around them begins to dissolve._

"_Ryuuzaki, wait!" Raito calls out, voice rising with each passing second. _

_Ryuuzaki's face dissapears in front of him, just inches out of his reach_

"_Ryuuzaki!"_

Misa frowns and wonders if she should wake Raito up. The way he's tossing and turning can't be good for him. Just as she leans to shake him awake, she catches a word off his lips. "Ryuuzaki," he whispers frantically. "Ryuuzaki!"

Misa turns away biting her lip, and pretends she didn't hear anything.


	3. Are You Challenging Me?

**74. Are You Challenging Me?**

It was there in their subtle glances, a glinting of their eyes. It was in the way Ryuuzaki spoke, every word daring to be defied. As soon as Raito opened his mouth to speak, it was there on Ryuuzaki's lips, the unspoken question ringing through the air.

_Are you challenging me?_


	4. Foreign

**27. Foreign**

The feeling was foreign to both of them. Neither had ever touched another, held another, _loved_ another quite like this. It was by no means a storybook love, but it was something, and it was real; and they, who had been so _alone _their entire lives, clung to it (and each other) for fear if they relinquished their grip, it would dissolve away, becoming just one more beautiful _could-have-been _from their past.


	5. Heaven

**7. Heaven**

Raito wasn't going to heaven- he knew that much. He had done far too many things in his life to go there, to that beautiful, bountiful place where all pure souls go.

Raito couldn't be with Ryuuzaki after death, but – he smiled cynically, wistfully – one lifetime with him was more than he deserved anyway.


	6. Hold My Hand

**35. Hold My Hand**

Though he didn't say it, the implication of his actions was clear. Raito stared, surprise evident on his handsome features at the detective beside him (who was currently avoiding his gaze).

There was a moment's hesitation, before Raito took the offered hand in his own, his eyes widening slightly at the feel of it. It wasn't anything like he had been expecting- so warm, and amazingly soft. So Ryuuzaki really was human? He smiled to himself.

"Ryuuzaki-"

"Don't, Raito. You'll ruin the moment."

- - -

_Authors Note: First off, I'd like to thank all of you who've been reading and reviewing, and even putting this on your favorites or alert list! It really means a lot, and your reviews make my day. Your kindness is wonderful. Anyway, this drabble originally ended at the first … paragraph/section/thing, but I felt it was too short of a thing to post after such a long period of nothing, so I added the rest. I actually like it better longer. Tell me what you think!_

_Oh, and I'm messing with the order of these drabbles, so my apologies if it gets confusing or anything._


	7. Questioning

**16. Questioning (Ryuuzaki's eyes)**

His eyes were always questioning.

_Are you talking to me?_

_You're not serious, are you?_

_What are you trying to suggest?_

_You can't be implying that __I'm__ wrong?_

Always questioning, but only questioning someone _else_. He was like that; firmly set in his ways, and he never doubted himself. Raito liked and hated that about him. He had started wondering if those dark shadowed eyes could do anything else _but _question (he also wondered if _Ryuuzaki_ could do anything else).

And then one day, at long last, Raito saw it. It was flickering, as they subconsciously leaned in closer, in Ryuuzaki's eyes. A glance, so quick he almost missed it, but _it was there. _

Yes, for the first time in his life, Ryuuzaki's eyes showed that glimmer of doubt, a question posed to the boy (whose lips were getting _oh so close_ and whose breath was _oh so _warm against his face) in front of him.

_Is this okay?_

_Do you really want this?_

_Do I really want this?_

_What __is__ 'this'?_

Raito smiled, causing Ryuuzaki to blink wide-eyed, pulling back slightly, as though suddenly realizing their proximity.

Raito sighed delicately and shook his head, resisting the urge to chuckle. Placing a hand on the back of Ryuuzaki's neck, he pulled lightly so that their foreheads touched. Ryuuzaki opened his mouth to speak, when Raito cut him off with a gentle press of his lips.

"Ssh, Ryuuzaki." Raito's golden eyes took on a teasing gleam as he cupped the detective's pale face in his hands. "_You'll ruin the moment._"

- - -

_Authors Note: I'd like to note that this is probably going to eventually become a larger drabble, I just felt like posting it now for feedback. And I think it's cute. Hehe. __The last line is in reference to the 'Hold My Hand' drabble from before, in case you didn't catch it. (It'll make a lot more sense if you've read that drabble). __Speaking of the ending, I've been messing with it a lot. Please tell me what you thought of it!_

_I'd like to thank everyone again who has been reading and reviewing this drabble series- your reviews really mean a lot to me!_

**_NOTE: I have deleted the chapter 'Under the Rain' because that's going to be the last chapter of this series, as its much easier to put things in relative chronological order, and to do that I have to keep moving chapters around, which is messy. Anyway, basically, I will repost that chapter when I've finished this series._**


	8. Expectations

**33. Expectations**

Ryuuzaki had many expectations; the both of them did. They required, if not expected, obedience and understanding. They knew who they were and they knew that there were not two others in the world like them, and for this they _demanded_ proper treatment.

But Ryuuzaki _hardly_ complained when Raito wasn't _quite _so obedient- especially during the late hours of the morning, when Ryuuzaki had firmly stated he was_ trying to work_ and would Raito _please keep his hands to himself_, and the golden-eyed boy chose to disregard his elder.

Ryuuzaki didn't mind _too _much when Raito would smirk against his skin, (_when had he gotten so close?_) letting his hands slide down to hold the slender detective around the waist, pulling him tightly to the other boy.

Ryuuzaki _never _said anything when Raito's lips found their way (_briefly pausing at his collarbone, up his neck, across his cheeks_) to his own, because even though Raito was such a disobedient, childish thing, Ryuuzaki _expected _this of him (_that and it was annoyingly difficult to form coherent speech when Raito was very nearly straddling him)._

As his eyes fluttered closed and he responded to the insistent pressure of Raito's lips, Ryuuzaki found he rather liked having his expectations being met.


	9. Innocence

**8. Innocence**

One thing Raito liked about Ryuuzaki was the innocence. He was by no means naïve, but there was after all, a difference between naivety and innocence. It was nice, Raito felt, to see there was at least _some_ innocence left in the world. Though, he never would have guessed it would be in the form of the insomniac detective L, and he _never_ would have guessed that it was his duty to kill him.


	10. On Actors

**On Actors**

The two were like actors on a stage, carrying out the cliché plot of good versus evil. And in this story, only platonic competition, only dark hatred could exist between the two sides. Because good was not supposed to fall in love with evil, and evil would definitely not fall in love with good. And like the excellent actors they were, they would do as the plot desired them to- for they, the best of the best, were not supposed to do such a petty thing as feel.

- - -

_Authors Note: I'll let you decide who's who. _


	11. Kick in the Head

**58. Kick in the Head**

_Opportunity knocks, but fate kicks._

Raito figured it had taken him a kick in the head to realize his feelings for Ryuuzaki, because right after, he found himself spewing nonsensical declarations of love to his supposed rival, while still attempting to punch him senseless (he'd probably be easier to kiss like that anyway…oh _god_, Raito did not just…screw it.)

Maybe that kick had lodged some neurons into the right spot? (Lord knows it had been hard enough.)

- - -

_Authors Note: Something I call sugar-crack chapter. My friend gave me the idea, actually. Forgive the crack-ness of it, but I still thought it was cute. It's what totally should have happened in that fight scene in episode 18. No flames on this chapter, please, cos I know it's stupid and I don't need to hear it again. I promise more intelligent chapters later. Heh._


	12. Words

**80. Words**

The best moments with Ryuuzaki were those without any spoken words. Because when you combined words and Ryuuzaki and Raito, there were _so many _undertones, and questions and accusations.

Sure, their relationship lacked trust, lacked hope, normalcy, and stability- but those treacherous flaws were visible only when words were involved.

It was much more pleasant, Raito thought, to look silently into Ryuuzaki's surprisingly expressive eyes when he held him, rather than remind themselves exactly how little they had going for them, and how little time they had left.

Each word was a time-bomb, ticking away until the end, until one of them fell.


	13. Deep in Thought

**52. Deep in Thought**

Raito could read people. It was a fact of life, unchallenged and accepted, with no exceptions.

Ah, but there _was_ one.

That 'one' seemed to be the exception to everything, including life itself, Raito thought dryly, staring at the detective beside him, who in turn stared unblinkingly at his computer screen.

How cruel. The one person whose thoughts he cared to hear was the one person he couldn't read.

At least it was nice (in a sick, cynical way) to know Ryuuzaki was always thinking about him.

- - -

_Authors Notes: I actually do like this one, quite a lot. It seems very Raito-ish, if you know what I mean._


	14. Obsession

**71. Obsession**

Obsession.

That's what this had become. His life revolved around L, and L's life revolved around Kira. They danced to this deadly waltz, each knowing – not thinking, _knowing _– that they would be the victor, and knowing just as well that life would be meaningless without the other.


	15. Tower

**54. Tower**

Always, in his mind, he would see L, Ryuuzaki, perched upon his tower, looking coolly down on him.

If Raito was fire, Ryuuzaki was ice. And one day, ice would be no more; fire would melt everything that stood in its path, and so would Raito. So he watched Ryuuzaki sitting there in his tower thinking he was so safe, and Raito would smile.

Then came the day, where Raito looked up at the tower and saw it empty, and the smile slid off his face.


End file.
